Suave

Okay, so I hung out with Agnetha last night. We were all set up to watch videos at her place, and were going to grab burritos in her neighborhood. The first warning flag came when I decided to call her before leaving my house to see if she wanted me to pick up burritos on my way over, so we wouldn't have to venture out in the rain. It was at this point that she told me that her friend, Tobias, had dropped by unexpectedly, and would it be cool if he hung out with us, too. Of course, it was okay, and I really like Toby, he's a dear boy, but, inwardly I was freaking out—did he really just "drop by" or was Ags trying to buffer herself from me 'cause she'd caught on to my undesired attentions? Of course, my thoughts were springing around madly while I drove over to her place—rehearsing scenarios, making deals with myself about how to proceed, wondering if Toby would leave after dinner or stay the whole evening, and what that meant in terms of whether I should make a move or not. You know how crushes spin you out like that, right?

So, the three of us got dinner at a great little old school diner in Agnetha's neighborhood. Then, we went back to Ags' place, and it was clear that Toby was gonna stay for the movie as well (Red Flag Number Two). We made tea, and all three of us settled down on the couch to watch Shaun of the Dead, which was so entertaining that I was almost completely distracted from my aims for the evening. It was actually perfect. Then, when the movie ended, Toby bid his good byes, and Ags and I continued to watch a little television, to get the gore of the movie out of our heads. I'm thinking, "Hmm...perfect opportunity now that we can't stop thinking about flesh-eating zombies!" So, yeah, I stalled. We talked a little bit. At length, Ags said she was tired, and needed to get to bed, but that she'd walk me down to my car (Red Flag Numero Tres) and you'd think with all the indicators, I'd just bow my head and leave, right? No, this is Breezip we're talking about—shameless, shameless Breezip.

So, we got to the door. And, for lack of any good lines whatsoever, I just blurted out,

"Um...uh...okay, well, there's something I need to tell you, all right? Um...you can totally shoot me down, of course, but...I want to let you know that, um...I'm feeling crushed out on you."

And what exactly Agnetha said to this was completely lost in the static of my adrenaline. She said something about being surprised and flattered and said that she had no clue that it was coming. No clue, in this case, felt a lot better than the scenario I had been solidifying in my imagination, which involved the conspiracy of Toby's presence for the evening. So, yeah, she had no idea I had been attempting to flirt when we'd hung out, and she laughed at the idea that I could have interpreted her email message from the other day as flirty, and it was all pretty comical and dorky. Both of us were all giggly and squirrely and weird. But the gist of it is that she'd never really thought about me in a non-friend way, or in a more-than-friend way, I guess you could say, and she's not really in the space to be involved. And it was all communicated in a very kind, respectful way. I was very clear with Ags that I'm still mourning my break up, and I'm not looking for anything serious and I'm not very well gonna abandon our new friendship, just 'cause I'm hot for her and she's not down for it.

The most severely dweeby thing about last night was, after all this talk about my feelings and her feelings and all the weird awkwardness of the moment, when she walked me out to my car, we walked down the street, passed my car, and then had to turn back around to find it, 'cause I was so loopy and self-conscious about my disclosure that I'd forgotten where, exactly, I'd parked--haha!

But, other than the dork factor, I'd say this was, overall, a very mature exchange between us. In fact, today, she emailed me just to check in and give some closure to the thing, and that was really, really impressive to me. Both of us definitely still want to hang out as friends, and I think it'll be just fine, actually. Lord knows neither of us wants to wind up in some scenario that doesn't feel right, and, though I'm excited about being single, and procuring myself some action eventually, there need not be any rush about this. It's only been six weeks or something since Nat and I broke up, and clearly I'm not confident enough with myself and my newly single identity that I can pull off a suave come on just yet. But don't worry, gentle readers, the suave will arrive, I have faith.

Love, Bree

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